Children have that in heaps.
But I think we do too.
This Holy Week I'm caused to pause at the story of Judas.
In Matthew at the Passover meal Jesus announces that "one of you will betray me."
One after another come to the question, "Surely, not I, Lord?" ... "Surely, not I, Lord?"...
Finally Judas comes around and we see him asking as-well, "Surely, not I Rabbi?"
Really? Surely not I? ... Really? Earlier in the story Judas was cutting a deal with the chief priests to bag Jesus for them... Now he sits intimately with the other disciples and his "Rabbi" and asks, "Surely not I.." !? Jesus replied, "You have said so."
Now there are many I know that through their framework of reading Scripture say things about Judas never having had an option... "prophecies were foretold" etc... if you believe in that sort of pre-determination of a life. There are other camps who simply look at the Judas story as a fleeting thing that happened to get to the cross narrative and demonizes Judas...
We will completely miss what this story of Judas has to offer us unless we can see his humanity.
Which brings me to sugar.
I love sugar. If its sweet I'll probably eat it. If you want to talk prophecies I am currently fighting the prophecy of diabetes. Specifically sugary bread is my number! I'll ring that phone three times a day!
... (side note for anyone reading, if you want to get me something for my birthday this year I'm putting on the list Little Debbies and Lucky Charms) So I may have a problem.
Most of us though I think tend to be a little on the unaware side of our desires. Well, perhaps not unaware of them as much as unaware of how powerful they are in our lives.
This Lenten season for some reason I have felt a hyper awareness of my desires more than usual. Perhaps I am desire-woke for a moment. All my desires seem they have lifted to the surface and I see their heads rearing each moment. Honestly, I feel a level of disgust by it all. A frustration that I have so many desires... and what's more that seemingly every decision made is a reaction of desire. Sugar. Sleep. Coffee. Burritos. (most of my desires are food and sleep related if you can't tell) Once you're desire-woke, you catch a glimpse of just how oriented your whole life is around your next desire.
There is so much that we want in life, so much we believe will bring us pleasure if we simply had it. 2,000 years later most of us are still playing the slot machine with Judas... Whether its silver or sugar, if it means pleasure... "I'll take two!"
When you're fasting something, the lack of that thing will inevitably bring the desire of the thing to the surface. In a culture when we mostly just have desires and then immediately seek to fulfil them without question, fasting is pretty tough.
I believe Judas' temptation has more to say to us here in Western culture today than ever before... Judas was a man torn by desire. Contextually we see how Judas, being the keeper of the purse was continually keeping score, continually conflicted and struggling with the generosity of the Kingdom he was walking into with Christ. Judas I believe is somewhat of a mirror in the Gospels for the plight of Western Evangelicalism. (oh snap!)...Yet you can't spend that much time with Jesus and not be moved... are you with me?
I think that when Judas asks the question, "Surely not I?" ... he meant it. Even though he was with Jesus, his desires had festered subversively. Perhaps in the presence of Jesus much of his desire was even hidden from himself. Many of us are like vampires... our desire comes out at night, alone in the dark, and we are different. Just as the next time we see Judas he's with a more venomous group late that night... like a different person has come out.
So - I wonder, this week as we journey to Good Friday and the Crucifixion, when it seems even the best of disciples are running another way...
What is the Silver? What is the Sugar? What are the desires in our own lives that we just might rather have than Jesus?
Maybe the part most fearful of this whole story is, we may not really be that different than Judas.
...
A quick note, bodies and desires are not bad things. I'm pro-embodiment (in fact there is a great Liturgists podcast out about that). Most of us aren't even that in touch with our bodies.
Specifically what I'm simply attempting to point at in this brief reflection during Lent is that sometimes, we actually may not be that woke to our own humanity and level of desire.
It is when we fully receive our humanity, the ups and downs, falling and rising, in the person of Jesus, that we will also discover the actual enjoyment of all desire lies within.
Happy Holy Week.
